V.2 of my A time my world changed poem...
Filling up my mind
like an overflowing bathtub
the faucet won’t turn off
and the water just keeps
on and on raining.
Waves crash and wash over the tiles and floor,
Breathe in;
tear ducts empty tears that had been gathering for a long time
all my worries, fears, and problems
rush my mind.
Hearing the words just pauses
everything around me
letting the world go on
but sticks me in the past.
I just wish her voice
ringing in my eardrums didn’t make me wish
things could be different about love.
Crescendo into a fit of notes
blending together fast and even faster…
rivers of water swamping my makeup all over the white sheet-
I close my eyes
picturing myself moving away,
picking up my feet and never stopping
then my eyes open
and I look up.
Everything dies down
and gets really silent and even quieter
playing this part
means the end is nearing.
Thinking to myself that this song gives me my sign
that large
STOP
in the path to Death.
Staring straight ahead
never deviating from my answer
that answer is the key;
I have to become…
Just
me.
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This is really moving .
ReplyDeleteI love your word choice .
i love the voice your poem has.
ReplyDeleteEngaging, Makes out a very emotional feeling!
ReplyDeleteNice way of structuring the poem!
<3 SPX
your poem conveys the idea of being stressed out very well... I like it :)
ReplyDeletei like the voice your poem brings,
ReplyDeleteverry goood word choicce alsoo(:
jennny*
OMG JENNA. THIS IS AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteSo I'll point out examples of the awesome :)
-The simple visual of a bathtub overflowing.
We can all relate to feeling overwhelmed, and consumed by the mess. It's a beautiful image, as well. Just the pure simplicity of it all.
-I like the rapid transition where it's self spoken. "Breathe in", it's like a whisper, isn't it? A gasp, almost. Although I nearly expect you to carry out the bathtub scene. Just somebody lying there, letting it overflow, letting the tears flow, then creating change by the standard thought of "come on now, get it together." I expect the person lying there to turn off the faucet at this point. Looking at the damage from the water overflowing. Catch my drift?
-"Crescendo into a fit of notes" is gold, my friend. I love it, love it, love it. Such a strong delicacy in itself. A quiet perfection of a phrase.
-"Staring straight ahead never deviating from my answer that answer is the key; I have to become
just me." Now that's just delicious. I fancy the word deviating, also.
LETS HAVE A WRITING PARTY SOMETIME, KAY?